Isolation

Yep, you guessed it.  It is 3am and I've been up for the last couple of hours crying once again.  Night time seems to be my hardest time as its the only time I'm alone and my mind begins to think.  Plus I can't seem to sleep without having some kind of nightmare about everything going on.  Its hard to stay strong all day for my kids and I know I need this time to let it out.
So my biggest frustration right now is Chris is isolating himself from the world.  Outside of me and the kids the only people he is allowing to visit is his parents.  I have had his friends from work, his brothers, and members of our parish all wanting to come and he won't allow any of them to see him.  I don't know how to convince him to visit with anyone.  He has locked himself away in our room and hardly gets out of bed even though the doctor has told him he needs to get out of bed even if its to just sit in the recliner.  He also won't eat any of the healthy food I try to make for him.  Instead he chooses junk food.  I know its good that he is just eating but its still hard when I want to try to fight this disease from all angles.
Since his cancer is considered terminal, I have asked him to do family pictures with us and also to do a video diary for each of the kids which he also won't do.  I know how important these things will be for the kids as they get older and it upsets me that he won't do this for him.
I know he is going through so much right now with the pain and with his own acceptance of everything but it is so hard to be on the healthy side of it all because we just want to do it all.  I don't know how much time I have left with him, but I know he is going downhill fast and it is so hard to watch!

Another rough night!

Once again it is 3am and I've been up all night crying!  This is so not fair!  I lay next to my husband as he is so sick and there is nothing I can do to help.  He hasn't even had chemo yet and he is still sick all night and laying there with chills.  I know its because the cancer is killing him and it makes me so damn mad!  Why can this be happening to a young man with three little kids!!!!!  It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!!!!!!  There is so many pieces of shits living their lives and yet a good man has to go through this!  I just want our normal life back and Chris be back to his old self!  I hate this so much!!!!  The pain just gets to be too much to bare!!!!!  Why!!!!!!!!!!!