Isolation

Yep, you guessed it.  It is 3am and I've been up for the last couple of hours crying once again.  Night time seems to be my hardest time as its the only time I'm alone and my mind begins to think.  Plus I can't seem to sleep without having some kind of nightmare about everything going on.  Its hard to stay strong all day for my kids and I know I need this time to let it out.
So my biggest frustration right now is Chris is isolating himself from the world.  Outside of me and the kids the only people he is allowing to visit is his parents.  I have had his friends from work, his brothers, and members of our parish all wanting to come and he won't allow any of them to see him.  I don't know how to convince him to visit with anyone.  He has locked himself away in our room and hardly gets out of bed even though the doctor has told him he needs to get out of bed even if its to just sit in the recliner.  He also won't eat any of the healthy food I try to make for him.  Instead he chooses junk food.  I know its good that he is just eating but its still hard when I want to try to fight this disease from all angles.
Since his cancer is considered terminal, I have asked him to do family pictures with us and also to do a video diary for each of the kids which he also won't do.  I know how important these things will be for the kids as they get older and it upsets me that he won't do this for him.
I know he is going through so much right now with the pain and with his own acceptance of everything but it is so hard to be on the healthy side of it all because we just want to do it all.  I don't know how much time I have left with him, but I know he is going downhill fast and it is so hard to watch!

Another rough night!

Once again it is 3am and I've been up all night crying!  This is so not fair!  I lay next to my husband as he is so sick and there is nothing I can do to help.  He hasn't even had chemo yet and he is still sick all night and laying there with chills.  I know its because the cancer is killing him and it makes me so damn mad!  Why can this be happening to a young man with three little kids!!!!!  It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!!!!!!  There is so many pieces of shits living their lives and yet a good man has to go through this!  I just want our normal life back and Chris be back to his old self!  I hate this so much!!!!  The pain just gets to be too much to bare!!!!!  Why!!!!!!!!!!!

The crazies come out tomorrow!

Yes, it is once again 3am and I'm still up.  This time with a very sick husband who has spent most of the night throwing up.  And why?  Because of the dang insurance company trying to decide how to classify the new drug Chris needs to save his life!
So what happens now?  Well first thing in the morning, crazy is coming out!  I will be on the phone first thing and will continue to be on the phone until he gets started on something.  Even if that means I have to put him in a wheel chair and bring him in until he gets started!  Seriously, its been 4 weeks since his last PET scan that shows the cancer is all over his body and he has not started anything yet!  This is fricking rediculous!  I'm watching my husband die and nobody will help him!!!!!!  Well, they ain't seen crazy yet, but I can guarantee they will be meeting her tomorrow!!!!  All I can do tonight is continue to pray that something can get done tomorrow!!!!!!

Just want to scream!

Its going to be hard, but I will try to keep my language as nice as possible in this post.  This has to be some of the biggest BS I have ever delt with!  While my husband is laying there dying, the insurance company is just taking their time trying to decide how to cover the dang medicine he needs.  I don't care how you cover it, or even it you cover it!  I will pay for it all out of my pocket but everyday they sit and wait on deciding, my husband's cancer spreads more in his body!  I'm glad they all have their health and sitting around making all their money.......but my husband is dying and you are sitting on your asses instead of giving him medicine to save his life!  I hate insurance companies!  I don't have anything nice to say anymore so I'm just going to end it now.

A hard question to answer!

Today as I was driving the kids home from their grandparents house, my oldest child (7 years old) asked me why everyone was always praying for Daddy.  I told her it was because of his cancer and it was making Daddy very sick.  She then asked me if Daddy was going to die.  This was the first time any of my kids have ever asked me this.  I've been dreading this question for as long as possible but I know its time to be realistic.  I told them that yes, cancer could make Daddy die but we are hoping to make him better.  I said that is why Daddy has to take all this medicine so hopefully he doesn't die.  Not sure if this is the time to be answering this question yet, but I know when he has less than a 20% chance of living three years I am going to have to start being honest with the kids.  I also told them that I think its a good idea to start going to the cancer classes they have for little kids who have parents that have cancer.  I told them I think it will help them to better understand what Daddy is going through. 
These are the times when I need more medication that I have!  I wish I could make their life into a fairy tale where we all live happily ever after forever!

Melanoma and tanning beds

This is an article I found from Dr. Oz's website.  I thought it was very interesting that tanning beds are now considered almost as dangerous as nicotine for causing cancer.  Very interesting stuff especially how us mothers really need to emphasize how bad tanning beds are to our daughters.
Here is the article....

It’s estimated that 1 in 5 Americans will be affected by some form of skin cancer during his or her lifetime, and exposure to ultraviolet (UV) rays is the most preventable risk factor. Easy steps like applying sunscreen, wearing sun-protective clothing and seeking shade all help to lessen your skin cancer risk. If I had done these simple things when I was a young outdoor athlete, I might not have developed multiple skin cancers.

Indoor tanning beds are another source of dangerous UV rays – using them has been shown to increase the likelihood of melanoma by 75%. Yet, more than one million people use tanning beds each day.

A survey by the American Academy of Dermatology (AAD) of Caucasian women ages 14-22 found that almost a third (32%) had used a tanning bed in the past year. Respondents who had gone indoor tanning were more than twice as likely to have a family member who used a tanning bed. More specifically, those who used tanning beds were 4 times as likely to indicate that their mothers also use them when compared to non-indoor tanners.

Tanning beds are so unsafe that the AAD has called for banning their use, and groups like the World Health Organization and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services have placed them in the same cancer-causing category as tobacco. It is troubling to me, as a dermatologist, a skin cancer survivor, and a mother, to know that there are parents who allow their daughters to continue with these harmful behaviors and mothers who set a dangerous example themselves by continuing to use tanning beds.

It’s easy to understand why indoor tanning is so popular with teen girls: they are constantly barraged with images of celebrities and pop culture icons sporting tans, even though what Hollywood calls “a healthy glow” is anything but.

And of course, their friends also play a role: almost half of the indoor tanning respondents in the survey (49%) said they felt peer pressure to be tan.

As parents, we can push back, in the same way we talk to our kids about the dangers of drinking, smoking and drugs. Educating ourselves about the health risks of indoor tanning – and passing that knowledge on to our children will go a long way in the fight against skin cancer.

Donna Regen, a Dallas resident who lost her daughter, Jaime, to melanoma 4 years ago, agreed to be part of the AAD’s public service advertisement campaign against indoor tanning.

“Mothers who allow their daughters to tan are putting their daughters’ lives at risk,” says Donna. “No mother should have to visit her daughter in a cemetery.”

As much data as there is to make the case against indoor tanning, in the end, it’s setting a good example in the home and having those conversations between daughters and their moms, dads or caregivers that has the greatest impact. I believe passionately that one day this approach could save our daughters’ lives.

Rough times!

I would love to make this blog possitive and uplifting, but cancer is anything but that.  This is going to be a blog about the struggles of dealing with cancer.  It is 4am and I've been up for the last several hours crying.  The more I read about melanoma cancer the more it upsets me, but how else do I learn to keep my husband alive and fighting. 
I watch day after day as my strong husband lays in bed in pain and can't get up to do normal activities.  I constantly think about the fact that I will not have someone to grow old with, my daughter will not have a father to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day, that my boys will not have their daddy around to teach them to hunt and other boy things, that all of our dreams we have had may not come true.
Chris is my one and only soul mate!  We went on our first date when I was only 14 and he was 15.  We dated all through high school and most of college.  We did break up for a couple of years and both dated other people, but that is when I learned that Chris will always be the only man I will ever love.  Not a day has passed since I was 14 that I have not thought about him. 
I sleep maybe 4-5 hours a day and spend the rest of time crying because this is the only time I can without being a mess in front of Chris and the kids. 
Sorry, I got nothing uplifting today.  Maybe this is why I shouldn't blog in the middle of the night!